so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
