i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
