Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he fucked my hip out of place.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
