She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
