It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
