I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
