Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
why is half of my head shaved?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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