She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
