she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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