Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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