Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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