Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
