So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
