then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I faked an abortion last night.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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