He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Randomize
