Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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