you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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