dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
