I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
