Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
