I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
