Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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