im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
