life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
