It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
