So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm like, not good at living.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
