she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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