Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
