she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
