Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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