I wanna passion pit in your ass
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
