Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
