do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
