I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
