Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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