alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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