my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
