im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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