The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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