Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
