Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
