I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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