you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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