mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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