Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
