I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
