Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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