Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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