i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
