its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
