Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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